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Still haven't really posted on here even though I said I was going to. And a lot of shit has happened since the last time I posted. So lets see:

  ~ I'm kind of living with my boyfriend and his family right now. Sleeping in the guest room. My boyfriend and his parents don't want me living in that house with all the....shit going on. So I like that. It's nice to just get away for a while even thought it's not really that long of a time.

  ~ My mom is pissed at me so she's barely talking to me right now. She'll send like angry texts every once in a while and that's about it.

  ~ All of the managers I liked at my work are gone. So now it's completely miserable going into work every day. I really need to find a new job now. 

  ~ My brother and his wife are talking to me again so now I get to see my niece which really makes me happy. I missed her so much. She's the cutest thing in the world.

Umm...that's really all I can think of right now. I don't know. Everything else is basically just same shit different day. 

I don't know

  I haven't used this in over three years. Or, haven't posted in over three years. I'm very awful at that but I'm gonna try to post on here a lot more. I have been using Tumblr a lot lately but there are certain people I don't want to see what I'm saying. I'm not really gonna write about too much right now, but I will post a little. And I'm gonna try to post at least once a week to start.

  I'm home alone at the moment. My mom left a little while ago to visit her "boyfriend" in jail. And I can't fucking take that much longer. I still have no idea why she's still with him or why she still likes him. He's a fucking asshole and I don't trust him whatsoever. My mother promised me that she would not see him again and she lied. He's in jail again and for some reason, she still loves him. I just don't understand this at all. If I had my way, he would stay in jail forever. Except right now, since he's in jail, my mother's just been a complete fucking miserable bitch and I can't take it much longer.

  At least I have my boyfriend. He's the most amazing person I've ever met, he really is. I just wish we could get away together and just live together. I can't take living in this house. I hate it, I really do.

  I honestly don't really know what else to say right now. So yeah...

Check out my Tumblr though.

Black and white blog: kill-thechemicals.tumblr.com
Color blog: simplelittle-kind-of-free.tumblr.com

So July 17th I experienced a Jonas Brothers Concert for their world tour.That was my seventh Jonas concert, I believe, and I'm still so sad that I have yet to meet them. I don't understand how so many people can meet them, get into meet and greets, backstage, etc. I have no idea how to do that. But they put on an awesome show. They always do. The first band was Honor Society. I love them! Sadly, I couldn't wait in their meet and greet line because my aunt had to pick my mom and me up and my mom had work early in the morning. Then a couple more singers came one, which I wasn't too happy with. I would have rather just seen Honor Society and Jonas Brothers.

One thing I loved about the concert was the way the stage was set up. We were pretty damn close and it was awesome. Greg was over on my side A LOT and I got a ton of pictures of him.<3 Sadly, my Nicholas didn't come over as much as I would have liked, and same with Kevin. But Joseph was over by where I was a lot, just like Greg. I barely got to see Jack. I really would have loved to meet Greg and Jack. Someday, though.

But I will never go back to that venue. It was terribly run. Very un-organized. And I almost punched this mom in the face. She kept dancing right in my face and would stand right in my way whenever I tried to take pictures of JB.It drove me CRAZY! But luckily, I calmed myself down.

Something I'd really like to know is why people are always giving out second chances. I don't understand. When you know someone is a terrible person but you let them keep coming back into your life. You're afraid to lose a part of your family even though you know you have to; you don't want to ruin anything but you know keeping them around you will ruin your life even more than if they stayed around. Or maybe I'm just thinking too much. My mind has been spinning wildly ever since Sunday. I do know one thing though; you talk shit about my uncle who is also my god father, and you talk shit about my mom, then you're dead to me. I do not want to associate myself with people that do not respect two of the most important people in my life to me.

I was looking through things on my computer today and I found this quote:

"Two turtles were having sex just to the right of where this photo was taken. I respected their privacy. I am not a pornographer."

It made me realize how much I miss Greg's blog. :( I looked forward to reading it every day. Luckily, I had saved a couple of his blog posts so I can read them to remember the old times. I have to say this though, someday I WILL meet him. :P
I'll post the pictures from the concert tomorrow. I'm tired right now and honestly don't feel like uploading them tonight. :P



Mystify (verb) - to puzzle, amaze, or confuse.

There are so many things I don't understand. One of them being celebrities and their fans. Why do we get so crazed over them? Why do we always try to do whatever it takes to meet them even though when you do it most likely won't be the fairytale ending you'd like it to be? They see millions of people every day. Why would you be so important to them at first glance? Once someone finds out that a certain star has Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, etc. they go crazy trying to get a reply from them. Why? I'd like to know that. I will admit to doing that, as well. I'm just curious as to why we do these things. Because I have no idea. Maybe it is because you really want to get to know them better. Or maybe that's why you think you're doing it. Maybe not. Or maybe it's because deep down everyone wants a little bit of fame. I'm not exactly sure why I do it. I'd like to think it's because of the first reason, but you never know. I never really know my true intentions.

It truly saddens me to see what some people will do to get a reply from or to meet a celebrity. They will go as far as following tour buses to sending provocative pictures to celebrities through Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, and other ways to contact them. And they're the ones that usually get the recognition. So I guess that's what being a fan is all about. Also, a lot of those people are the ones that don't care about the music, acting, or whatever the celebrity is famous for. They just care about the looks or the fame. That's not what being a fan should be about.

I don't think celebrities should be treated any differently. Recently, Adam Sandler was at the movie theatre my mom works at with a couple friends to see The Hangover. He ended up having to leave early because fans were mobbing him during the movie. I can see going up to him and saying something when he's not doing anything, but mobbing him while he's trying to watch a movie? That's not right. Sadly, I never got to see him. But I can tell you, I would NEVER act the way those people did. Because when I see a celebrity and meet them, I treat them like an actual person.

When I'm asked who the one celebrity dead or alive is I'd like to meet, I honestly don't know how to answer. Because there are so many people I love and respect, I just don't know how to answer that.
I mean, I cold say Led Zeppelin. They've been my favorite band for so long. It would have been amazing to me to have been able to go to a concert of theirs. But I was born at the wrong time. So it would be even more amazing to actually meet them.
I could say Johnny Depp. He amazes me so much. I love how he can re-invent himself with every movie he is in and actually be good at portraying that character. I mean, he can go from Willy Wonka in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, to Jack Sparrow in Pirates of the Caribbean, to John Dillinger in Public Enemies and so many other characters.
Or maybe Taylor Swift. She seems to always know exactly what's going on im my life and can put it into song. Her songs are definitely amazing because I can always relate to them. She definitely seems like someone I could get along with really well.
But the people I'm really leaning toward are the Jonas Brothers. Their music has helped me through so many tough times and I'd just like to meet them someday to say thank you. The songs that have helped me the most are the songs like Eternity, Time For Me To Fly, I Am What I Am, Underdog, Hold On, A Little Bit Longer, Take A Breath, and so many others. They can always make me laugh. All I have to do is watch a video of them. Like the Nick J Show, the countdown to their first album, It's About Time, when we finally found out Joseph does not have a third arm (silly fans), and so many other videos. They've done so much for me throughout these past couple of years I just wish I could thank them and show them how much I appreciate everything they do. I'd also like to meet the rest of the band: JT, Ryan, Garbo, Jack, because they don't get enough credit.
I'm gonna try, no, I WILL get them to see this.
And thank you. Yes, you. For reading this. I appreciate you, as well, for listening. Because no one ever listens to me.
Also, check this out::
And add me::


Disjointed (adjective) - disconnected, chaotic.

Lately, I haven't felt like myself at all. My computer's pretty much broken and won't go on the internet. So I've been stuck with no computer which is why I haven't really been posting on here much. However, my mom sometimes lets me use her computer, but I've been so busy that I haven't really had much time to post on here, which makes me feel weird. Every time I was feeling a certain emotion, I'd talk about it on here and somehow, it would make me feel better. Even though I'm not exactly sure if anyone even reads this. But just posting on here can make me feel better. Like I've let all my emotions out. So I'm gonna start from the beginning. Or - the first thing that jumps into my mind. All the deaths.

First of all, Farrah Fawcett. I didn't really know too much about her, but I was sad. It's always sad hearing about someone's death. Especially since my dad loved her. I heard she passed away from cancer which really made me sad because I've lost many people due to cancer. One of my friends was just diagnosed with cancer this year.

Next, Michael Jackson. This one really hit me. Hard. I was never a hugely obsessive fan of his, but I've always liked his music. He's an amazing performer and singer. Just watching him perform shows how much he loved it. You could see it in his eyes, his movements, the power in his voice. He was a role model, a hero, an idol to so many people. I wish in my lifetime, I could have seen him perform live. But sadly, I never got to. I remember when I was little, every time I heard thriller, I'd get up and start dancing. I knew his thriller dance like the back of my hand.
Yesterday, I saw the Michael Jackson Memorial and it brought me to tears. Especially the end. Paris is amazing for doing that and I think it shows how much of a great guy Michael Jackson really was. And how much Paris loved him. What a beautiful girl. And brave for doing that. I wish the best of luck to her and I hope she can make it through all of this. I couldn't imagine losing my father at eleven years old.
It's amazing to see how many fans he has and how loved he really is. That's why it pains me to see all the fakes. I'm not saying everyone are fakes, but there are many people faking their sadness. There are so many people I've seen that talked about how much they "hated" him because of all the allegations against Michael Jackson and people saying they've always hated his music. But once he passes away, all of a sudden all they can say is "Oh wow he's so amazing. I've always loved him." I don't believe it. Again, I don't believe everyone is like that, but there are a lot of people that are. It's fine if you didn't start listening to his amazing music until after his death, but just don't say you've been listening to his music for a long time if you haven't.

Now I can't think of anything else to write... Nothing else seems important.
The only other thing I can think of is this:
"Lose one friend, lose all friends, lose yourself."
-Plays With Squirrels.

I'm starting to see how true that really is. I think I'm slowly starting to lose myself. And that scares me.

P.S. check out my pictures on my flickr account.
And add me on twitter.


Ruminate (verb) - to ponder or reflect.

I don't even know why I cry anymore. Maybe it's the fear of change; growing older. Knowing that I'm graduating high school in two years. As much as I hate school, I really don't want to graduate. When I do, I know I'm going to cry at graduation. And at my dance recital when I recieve a trophy for graduating. Realizing I won't be able to dance in a real dance class there. I don't know what I'm going to do. My fear of going to college will come true in 2011. I don't want it to happen, really.

I don't know. I don't even know who I am right now. I know what I want to do in life, but I don't know who I am. And I don't like who I see in the mirror. But I don't know how to change or if I really do want to change. I wish I had someone to talk to about all of this, but I don't know of anyone. I feel like I'm all alone in this world with no one to talk to and no one who can actually truly understand me.

Less than perfect is a typical me. And I hate it. I hate the feeling I get when I mess up. But yesterday I kinda freaked out about it while talking to Timmy. He must have thought I was crazy considering I barely ever talk while at dance. Then at recital he asks me how I am and I freak out about messing up. But he must know how it feels; he's the same way when he messes up. It's strange though, no matter how I'm feeling he can always make me feel better. Like yesterday when I was freaking out about messing up he just kept saying "Don't worry about it, it's fine. Just try not to think about it!" That just made me smile. :)

One thing that has happened that really made me happy is what my english teacher just told me. My last day in her class on Friday. She told me, "I hope you find your voice next year; you have a great writing style." I've always loved writing but never thought I was good at it. I loved hearing that from her, knowing that she teaches english classes and she thinks I'm a good writer.

I honestly don't really know what else to write right now. I've had a writer's block for a long time which has sadly kept me from writing a lot. I hate it. I love writing and always want to do it. I hate that a lot of times it's difficult for me to just write. Write how I feel. To be feeling bad and just pick up a pen and piece of paper and let the ideas flow. I will admit, I can do that sometimes. But not as much as I'd like to. Talking is worse though. It's a lot easier for me to let out all of my feelings in writing rather than with words.

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

-Macbeth by William Shakespeare.


Facade (noun) - A showy misrepresentation intended to conceal something unpleasant.

This reminds me so much of Mean Girls. Seriously. And you're Regina George. The only difference is, you're like Cady Heron in the sense that you act like you're innocent when you're truly a bitch. But I thought you were different at first. You weren't like the others. I thought you were nice. I guess I couldn't see through your facade. But now I see who you truly are. And I hate it.

"Hey, buddy, you're not pretending anymore. You're plastic. Cold, shiny, hard plastic."

I love how the movie Mean Girls can explain SO much that happens in my life. You're not the only Regina I've had in my life before, sadly. And trust me, you haven't affected me the most so don't flatter yourself. With the others, it hurt too much to put into words. Let alone post it online where anyone can read it. But I want you to see this. And know that I can see through you. So you don't have to put on an act anymore; I'm sick of you hiding behind all your lies and making people believe you're actually a nice person. The truth is, we all know you're not.

"See? That's the thing with you plastics. You think everybody is in love with you when actually, everybody HATES you!"

And I'm really starting to see that. I thought I was all alone and that everyone liked you. But I was wrong, and the way you've been acting lately has really made me see how many people don't actually like you. I wonder if you'll realize that any time soon. I also don't appreciate you talking about my friends, either. Talk about me all you want, just don't say anything about them.

I dare you to confront me. Tell me why you're angry. Tell me why you don't like me. I'll listen. I hate it when people don't have a reason for hating me. There has to be a reason that I'm not seeing. but trust me, I will fight back; I'm not scared. But I don't think you'll ever confront me based on the way you've been acting and how you won't say anything to my face.

And stop being a bitch to my best friend. What you don't understand is that it's not her relationship no one likes. It's YOURS! YOU'RE the one who changed YOUR boyfriend. Amy didn't change hers. Of course a guy is going to act differently when he's with his girlfriend and his friends. But to stop hanging out with his best friends for you? That's crazy. You don't own him and he can hang out with whoever he wants even if you don't like him. STOP BEING SUCH A BITCH AND LET HIM HANG OUT WITH WHOEVER HE WANTS! I know he misses them but he can't hang out with them because of you.

Go back to who I thought you were and stop acting like Regina George.

I'm also sad because Michael got suspended from school yesterday. And if his mom is extremely pissed at him, he might not come back. =( I hope he does come back. School would definitely not be the same without him.

But the good news is I got to see Push Play Saturday and I got to show them my amazing Push Play guitar pick earrings. Here are CJ and Nick's faces when they saw them:

I love this picture:

And this one:

Also, I got to meet MANDY! XD She was sooo sweet.


Indelible (adjective) - Incapable of being erased or forgotten, permanent.

I expect way too much of people. And I hate it. My birthday is today. I was hoping they'd comment me saying "Happy Birthday" because I always do, I always will say happy birthday to someone even if I don't like them. Based on the way they have been treating me lately, it was blatant. I knew they wouldn't do it, but I was hoping they would. How can feelings change so quickly and so abruptly? It doesn't make sense to me because I can't do that. I can never completely forget someone. Apparently it's easy for them. They were my two best friends. But because of popularity, they don't talk to me anymore. This really sucks.

I wish I could talk to them. To show my remorse for whatever I have done to make them completely loathe me. But that will never happen. They won't listen to me. They won't talk to me. And also, I don't feel like I did anything wrong. Was it wrong for me to talk to them all the time? To think of them and their happiness before my own? I didn't think so. But to them, I guess I did something wrong. Because they won't talk to me. Fuck it. I don't care anymore. I'm honestly sick of trying to make everyone happy. Trying to make everyone like me. I won't change the way I look/act for anyone ever again.

I honestly don't feel like I did anything wrong. Except, I could have tried to fix this. I saw them slipping away and I did nothing to rekindle our friendships. I guess I could have called more, made an effort to talk to them more, but I didn't. But it was their volition, their choice to stop talking about me. They're just as much to blame. They also could have made an effort to hang out with me. But they didn't. And now that I've transferred to a different school, they're telling everyone how much they miss me? Just shows how fake you actually are.

And what the hell??!! Since when is Spongebob green? My TV is pretty fucked up. But Spongebob is awesome!!

Happy birthday to me.


Defenestration (noun) - The act of throwing someone or something out a window.

I hate it when people act so innocent.
And how people can change so quickly just because of a guy.
I don't get it. I mean, I don't think you can fall so "in love" with someone when you just met them about a month ago at a rave.
And grinding on him the minute you first laid eyes on him. It's disgusting!

Then you find out I know him, and you act like a complete bitch to me! Oh, but you're so innocent around everyone else so no one will believe me. But thank you, you've shown me your true colors. You want to know why he's still with you? Because you're easy. Yep that's right. YOU'RE EASY!

So stop treating me like shit because I know your precious boyfriend. Remember when you and I were friends? No? Well I do. And I miss that. Now apparently I'm a bitch and I'm trying to take your boyfriend from you...? Please. You should know me better than that. No matter what, I'd NEVER steal someone's boyfriend. But apparently you don't know me that well because then you would not be treating me this way.

I can take the evil glares. Really, I've dealt with that many times. What I can't take is when you ignore me. Why can't you say hi to me when I say hi to you? I'm just trying to be civil. I don't want to fight. I've had my fair share of fights. And I don't want this to happen again. You have no idea what I've been through.

Oh, and I really appreciate you not stepping away from the freaking bathroom door to let me out of the room even when I said "Excuse me." three times. Trust me, right at that moment, I wanted to punch you in the face. But strangely, I controlled my anger for once. Because I don't want to hit you.

You better know, you've crossed the line. There will be no "friendship" once you and your awesome boyfriend break up. I won't be there to catch you when you fall and I'll never help mend your broken heart ever again. You chose the outcome.

I can tell you're not the right girl for him. I'm not saying I am, but I know I'd treat him better than you. I'd never keep him away from his friends. I'd never use him or his friends like you do. Did you know that he's been an *beep* to one of his BEST friends for the past month all because of you? Believe me or not, it's true. I've seen it.

So I hope you have an awesome life. Because I'll never be in it again. You can trust me on that. I can't deal with all of this drama. Especially over a guy. It's definitely not worth it.


I fucking hate it when people think they know me. Think they understand me. When they don't. Hopefully I don't sound like one of those annoying people who are always writing blogs online saying, "I hate my life no one understands me" because I don't want to sound like that. But in a way, it's true. Most people just write me off and base everything on what I look like which makes me feel like shit.

Idiot!" "Stupid!" "You're definitely gonna smoke weed someday." I absolutely love hearing that! [none] Especially from my family! I honestly can't stand being near them, I can't wait to move away. Their criticism is tearing me apart inside, but I can't tell them because everything I do or say is wrong. Every time I disagree or think differently, I'm wrong and get yelled at. Maybe that's why I haven't been doing all of my school work lately and change my hair color all the time. Because those are the only things I have control over.

I'm not gonna say I hate my parents, because I don't. They do so much for me and I'll never be able to pay them back. But lately, our personalities have been crashing and they piss me off to no end. But I also love being around them at times. I don't know. Right now my head is spinning, I have so many different emotions I'm feeling and I'm so confused I have no idea what is going on and have no idea what to do.

My latest secret, I have no idea what to do. I've only told five people. Can't tell my parents because they'll judge me right away. Sometimes I feel like I need someone to talk to. Someone that understands what I'm going through. But who? I have no idea.

The only thing that makes me feel better is him.<3 If only he knew. If only he knew that I like him, how much I like him, how much I think about him, then maybe he'd feel the same way. No matter what I'm going through I feel better once I see his face, his smile, him dancing, hear his voice, his laugh. He's my drug; my addiction. But he doesn't know. He'll most likely never know, because I'm too afraid to tell him. Afraid of rejection. I know my past shouldn't get in the way of my future, but I can't help it.

I wish I could change. I just don't know how.

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